Things Xander Harris is No Longer Allowed to Do (final list)
Things Xander Harris Is No Longer Allowed to Do
(Gathered over the years of his employment at the New Council of Watchers)
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Submissions were made by:
jpublic (me!), Rob, not_croaker, deep_shadow, valles_uf, germaine_pet, liz_marcs, Wicked Raygun, devon_01, jgracio, sunnyd_lite, kurukami, globalfruitbat, bastardsnow, d_tepes, Greydon Creed (second-hand), humbleminion, hjcallipygian, booster17, _marcello, lufio, goddess_loki, ffutures, chaos_eternus, ludditerobot, JimboS, dlgood, its_art, MadDogPrime, skipp_of_ark.

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1) Call any female magic-wielder the Wicked Wicca of the West, especially Willow.

2) At no time may I refer to the Slayers-in-Training collectively as 'my harem'.

3) Not allowed to use Simpsons, South Park, or any other cartoon as authoritative references.

4) No report may start with: "In a time when"
4a) Or "Once upon a time"
4b) Or "It was a dark and stormy night"
4c) Or "I never believed any of the stories in your magazine, until it happened to me"
4d) In fact, I'm not to write reports at all anymore.

5) Newly IniTiated Watchers-in-Training are not NITWITs.

6) No longer allowed to demonstrate magic by lighting books on fire.

7) Not allowed to get a glow in the dark prosthetic eye.

8) Upon winning any training session with the Nerf Crossbows, I may not 'finish it execution style'.

9) May not yell "Khaaaaaaaan!" when thwarted in any endeavor.

10) References to Buffy's dating habits may not be used as a cautionary tale to younger Slayers.

11) Pantsing Andrew is NOT an initiation ritual.

12) Neither are wet T-Shirt contests.

13) The Speedo is not to be worn, even if I am a 'sexy beast.'

14) The New Watchers Council is not planning world domination.
14a) Even if you promise to let Giles nuke France.

15) Mud wrestling is not valid combat training.
15a) Nor is Jello wrestling.

16) May not try out any tantric healing rituals.
16a) Or any tantric rituals, for that matter.

17) Locking the Air Conditioner to 'on' is prohibited.

18) I am not the 'Sexual Slayer.'

19) The Snoopy Dance has no stripping, even if Faith agrees to demonstrate.

20) Shovels are to be used to dig dirt, not to threaten anyone's date.
20a) Except Dawnie's.

21) Ben and Jerry's may not be hidden and then traded for sexual favors.

22) 'That Time of the Month' may not be refered to as 'The Week of Doom' or 'The Red Tide.'

23) May not call Buffy's boyfriend 'the demon of the week.'

24) May not propose SexySlayerHouseCam.com as a money-making venture.

25) May not request to be called "Blackbeard."

26) I am not a certified sex instructor, even if I have a card that says I am.

27) Robin is never to be referred to as 'The Boy Wonder.'

28) I am not Batman.

29) I am not allowed to quote the 'Full Metal Jacket' rifle speech when teaching Slayers how to use a crossbow.

30) Not allowed to accept Twinkies as trade for sexual favors.

31) Am no longer allowed to date outside my species.

32) Am not allowed to call Giles G-man ever again.

33) Can not make any 'fine booty' jokes while talking like a pirate.

34) Must always lock the bathroom door when showering if Dawn is home.
34a) Must also block the door.
34b) Must not shower when Dawn is home.

35) A Babylon 5 marathon is not an excuse for missing the weekly apocalypse.

36) Not to allow Andrew to name anything.
36a) Not even his own stuff.

37) Riley is not "Captain Cornbread", he's a Colonel now.

38) The terms "Deadboy", "Deadboy Junior", and "Bleached Blunder" will not pass my lips again.
38a) They're too easy.

39) Faith. Don't.
39b) I mean it.

40) I am not allowed to spam Giles' mailbox with car-dealership advertisements.
40a) Even if his car is a clunker classic.

41) I am not to attempt to teach the Slayers-In-Training anything I saw in a cartoon.
41a) Or a comic book.
41b) Or anime or manga.
41c) Or a video game.

42) I am not, nor ever was, the "Xan Xan Man."

43) Am never again to refer Buffy's Tuna Noodle Casserole in conjunction with items outlawed by the Geneva Convention
43a) Even if she's out of ear-shot.
43b) And everyone else thinks it's hilarious.

44) I must stop encouraging Slayers to join Ultimate Fighting Championship, even if there's "a lot of money to be made."

45) Pimp canes are never funny.

46) Slayer's may have heightened stamina and resistances to toxins, but it is not acceptable to test these through a drinking contest.
46a) No matter what Faith says.

47) I have never had "mad rhymes," nor am I a "lyrical gangsta."

48) I am never to engage in a Star Wars Debate with Andrew longer than five minutes.

49) Engaging in a Star Wars Debate with Andrew in front of Slayers-In-Training is not a "test of moral fortitude."

50) Teaching the foreign Slayers-in-Training English through swear words is not funny.

51) I am not "the very model of a Modern Slayer General."

52) Dance fights are not an effective tactic at any time.
52a) Nor is it ever time to "Bust a move."

53) Having new recruits paint the kitchen is not a training exercise, even if Mr. Miyagi would agree.
53a) Am no longer to refer to Slayers-In-Training with the honorific '-san.'
53b) Pretending to not know what honorific means is not a viable defense.
53c) I can't use '-chan' either.

54) "When in danger or in doubt, run about and scream and shout" is not Standard Operating Procedure for Watchers.

55) A battle-axe is not the safest form of sexual protection.
55a) Except for Dawnie

56) I am not allowed to post "Things Giles is No Longer Allowed to Do" around the house.
56a) I am, however, allowed to post "Things Andrew is No Longer Allowed to Do."

57) I am not allowed to go on the annual Slayer-In-Training Beach Trip.
57a) Not even if I offer instruction in CPR.

58) Censored for Xander's protection from Faith.

59) Turpentine is not suitible for removing any sort of demon goo from clothing.

60) The Singapore Police are not interested in my justification for carrying a loaded anti-tank weapon through public streets.
60a) Nor do they care that it's bigger than theirs.

61) I cannot teach the SiT's how to make homemade Napalm.
61a) Or fertilizer bombs.
61b) Or Molotov cocktails.

62) I cannot put Buffy's favorite cereal on the top shelf, even if it is funny.

63) I cannot play the rainforest tape with the croaking frogs around Willow, even if it is funny.

64) Not allowed to refer to Slayer-in-Training Support Account as 'Tracts of Land Investment Fund.'

65) Am not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Council time.
65a) Am not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on my own time.
65b) Unless it's neccessary to stop an apocalypse.
65c) Willow, Buffy, and Dawn have property rights on my soul, and I should direct all requests to purchase it to them.

66) Not allowed to name a weapon after foreign gods.
66a) Especially if all I know said deity is from a cartoon, anime, or comic.
66b) Nor am I allowed to invoke him in battle.

67) Censored to avoid Xander getting in trouble with the PTB.

68) In fact, I'm not allowed to invoke ANY god in battle.

69) Not allowed to invoke gods, period.

70) "She followed me home!" is not a valid excuse for providing a nonhuman entity with access to Council Headquarters.

71) Deities are not human, therefore Rule 31 applies.

72) Smiting or threats thereof are not a valid counterargument to the previous two rules.

73) Marriage and hot monkey sex both count as dating.
73a) So do engagement and regular sex.
73b) As do going steady and heavy petting.

74) Closets are not for illicit smoochies.
74a) Especially when Dawn claims she needs "help" getting the box on the top shelf down.
74b) This does not apply to Faith. No exceptions.

75) Staking a vampire in the luggage pickup in full view of TSA is the fastest way to land on the "no fly list."
75a) Even if TSA has no evidence that anyone had been staked.
75b) And no, they don't care that I "scared them away" and that I don't know where all this dust came from.

76) Under no circumstances am I allowed to call an FBI agent "Fox Mulder."
76a) Even when they look like Fox Mulder.

77) Taking the new Slayers "snipe hunting" is not considered a legitimate test of their skills.
77a) Even though snipes are real.
77b) Even though a snipe tried to pick me up in a bar. and succeeded.
77c) Even though a snipe tried to eat my face when we left the bar.
77d) Even though everyone thinks I made it up.

78) It is not acceptable for me to use Giles's car as a weapon in the battle against evil
78a) I can't use Robin's car, either.
78b) Nor can I use the school's SUV.

79) Never, ever remark that Willow will melt if she gets wet in the rain.
79a) Even though she does a really great immitation of the Wicked Witch of the West when I do.

80) Never, ever allow the Slayers anywhere near a hammer.
80a) Especially where innocent drywall might get hurt.

81) Asking Spike how many lives it would take before he's finally dust may be considered a threat against his person.
81a) Especially if you're holding a stake at the time.
81b) That doesn't necessarily mean I have to stop. Yes, it does.

82) There is, in fact, a spoon.

83) You DON'T TALK about Fight Club.

84) Any rendition of Queen's 'Fat-bottomed Girls' is to never be played.
84a) Even if the look Buffy makes when it's played is a riot.

85) Not allowed to encourage Angel to sing as a form of torture.
85a) Especially 'Mandy'.

86) Illyria is not Smurfette, and will not wear a white dress for me.

87) I do not 'have the power' and Skeletor is not my archenemy.

88) I am not 'The man with the plan from Kazakhstan'.
88a) Or any other nation or locale ending in '-an'.

89) I do not have 'mad skillz, yo.'

90) I do not speak '1337.'

91) Die Hard is NOT a "Holiday film".
91a) Even if Faith agrees.

92) Leaving the toilet seat up IS an offense punishable by death.
92a) So is saying, "How hard is it to look before you sit?"

93) Under no circumstances am I allowed to "Double-Dog-Dare" someone.
93a) This includes Slayers.
93b) And Dawn.
93c) Especially, Dawn.

94) It is NOT okay to practice my juggling with Crystal balls.
94a) Especially, Willow's.
94b) And when Willow tells me to stop "juggling her balls," it is not okay to laugh.

95) I am not allowed to tell baby Slayer's about "The Real" Santa Claus.
95a) Unless we have to Slay him.

96) I must never again use the word "The" in front of the word "Shatner."

97) I cannot threaten to take the Slayers shopping using the Council Credit card merely because I disagree with Giles.
97a) Or Robin.

98) I cannot organize a "pool" about the species of Buffy's next boyfriend.
98a) Even if Faith wants "a piece of that action."
98b) Or Dawn.
98c) Or Willow.
98d) Or Giles.
98e) Nor can I refer to "human" as the "sucker bet."

99) When Andrew has a new "date" I cannot cough the word "prostitute!"
99a) Even discreetly.
99b) Even if everyone else agrees and they won't admit it.

100) I am not allowed to sell Calenders that indicate all the Slayer's "Time of the Month."
100a) Even though most Watcher's are willing to pay a hundred dollars.
100b) And Giles is willing to pay a thousand.

101) Twinkies must not be referred to as "my precious!"
101a) At least, not in public.

102) I am not allowed to "look scared" when Buffy says she wants to drive.
102a) Even though I am.

103) I cannot call "dibs" on anything.

104) When I am asked to retrieve feminine hygiene products, I am not allowed to pull out a notepad and a pen, sigh and say "Brand? Type? Size and color of box?"

105) Buffy does not contain the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.
105a) Spike does not contain the Decepticon Maxtrix of Leadership.
105b) Am to stop making Transformers references altogether.

106) We do not keep Angel in a tiger cage and only bring him out “when necessary.”

107) I am not a human aphrodisiac.

108) I am hitting on the blonde at the bar, not “using a subtle form of interrogation to uncover vampires.”
108a) Even if it worked.

109) “You throw me the idol and I’ll throw you the whip” is not an acceptable negotiation strategy.
109a) Even if it worked.

110) Waking Buffy up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”

111) It is cruel to tell new Slayers that Harry Potter is based on actual people.

112) When attempting to persuade a newly imbued Slayer’s parents to send their child to the school, I am not to say their daughter will learn “critical reasoning skills and general killing skills.”
112a) Even if its true.

113) The Power of Christ rarely compels them.

114) “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.

115) When reminiscing about old times, Buffy’s arrival isn’t to be referred to as “The Doom that Came to Sunnydale.”

116) I am not allowed to protest Rule 31 on the grounds that it doesn't apply to Buffy.
116a) I am not allowed to argue that Rule 31 SHOULD apply to Buffy.
116b) Even if everyone agrees with me.

117) Its not funny to draw “The Mark of Eyghon” on Buffy when she’s asleep.

118) There is no such thing as the “Mark of Egon.”

119) Mutton chops do not make me “rugged and manly.”

120) Orbital Death Ray is not a valid avenue of research.

121) I am no longer allowed to teach Slayers-In-Training to give their attacks names and shout them out in combat.

122) Once again, rule 41 applies. As such, Hadoken is not a martial arts technique.
122a) Nor is Shoryuken.
122b) Even if the SITs can do them.

123) If I make one more “Buffy the Human Beatbox” joke, I will not live to see sunrise.

124) Not allowed to get close to Hyenas.

125) Rule 31 includes subsitute French teachers and Peruvian foreign exchange students.
125a) And I know why.

126) Not allowed to make pirate jokes around Buffy.
126a) Even if I'm ticked at her.

127) Ask Willow if she and Kennedy need help with their spells.

127) When handling spell components, I am not allowed to yell out "Whoops!" just to freak out the witches.

128) A Dungeons and Dragons Character Sheet may not be used as a Resumé.

128) Just because Slayer's have incredible reflexes does not make it okay to shout "Head's up!" before throwing a random object at their head.
128a) Even though Kennedy always shouts "Bring it on!" afterwards.

129) I am not allowed to make fun of the British royal family.
129a) To their faces.

130) I am not allowed to refer to His Holiness as "Da Friggin' Pope!"
130a) It does not matter that His Holiness thought it was hilarious.
130b) Or that he blessed me, personally, and forgot Buffy.

131) Singing "This is the song that doesn't end..." is NOT a valid interrogation technique.
131a) It does not matter that it worked. Twice.

132) Whenever two or more Slayers are having an arguement, it is not okay for me to whistle the theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."

133) I am not allowed to make up demon names that sound like dirty words just to get other Watchers to say them.

134) After Buffy makes a bad pun, I am not allowed to pat her on the head condescendingly and tell her "You'll get it next time."

135) I should not assume that "Plan B" means "Run like Hell!"
135a) It does not matter that I am usually right.

136) Training missions should not be used to pick up women, or anything else outlawed in rule 31.

137) They are not Mighty Morphin' Power Slayers.

138) I may not tell anyone about what Buffy or Willow did under the effects of the love spell, no matter what their significant other offers me.
138a) Nor may I ever ask Buffy about that birthmark on her thigh.

139) There is no demon of chocolate, nor does any demon have a chewy caramel center.

140) There is no 'Watcher Porn,' they are historical documentation.
140a) And I'm not allowed to ask any Slayer if they can do that with their legs.

141) Upon caving and actually taking Dawn on a date, I am to treat her right.
141a) Or else.
141b) They mean it.

142) Diamonds are not a Slayer's best friend, but they rank pretty high.

143) Willow can not 'Hack the Gibson.'

144) Am not allowed to negotiate with evil cyborg-building masterminds for a bionic eye.
144a) Even if that's the only reasonable way to discover who's sending cyborgs against various supernatural targets.
144b) And if I do, not allowed to use said bionic eye to re-enact G'Kar's surveillance of showers or carnal acts of any Slayers-in-Training.
144c) Or of Dawn.
144d) Or of Faith.
144e) Especially not of Faith.

145) Not allowed to refer to any part of my anatomy as "Mr. Pointy."

146) Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by Slayers-in-Training.
146a) Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
146b) And selling said tapes over the Internet.
146c) Even if the Slayer Training Support Fund is in the red.
146d) Even if Faith seems totally enthralled by the idea.
146e) And no offering "moral support" when Faith decides to argue for it.
146f) Particularly not backed up by "voice of experience" tales.

147) Locating newly-awakened Slayers does not involve Pokeballs, the phrase "Gotta catch 'em all," or any other variant of same.

148) (unreadable)
148a) No, Andrew. Just no.

149) I am not allowed to edit this list.
149a) Not even under Giles' supervision.
149b) Neither is Spike.
149c) Nor Faith.
149d) Same goes for you, Dawnster.

150) I am no longer allowed to suggest "Bring It On" as appropriate viewing material for movie night, training sessions or any other reason if Faith is within five miles, as The Council cannot afford to keep replacing the discs and/or DVD players.
150a) Faith is not "Misty's sexier, slightly more evil twin" and she doesn't know Kirsten Dunst.
150b) Cheerleaders are not Hellgods and rogue slayers in disguise, no matter what evidence Cordelia may have proven to the contrary.

151) Calvinball is not an appropriate replacement for dodgeball.

152) Dodgeball is not an appropriate replacement for something resembing exercise.

153) Asking the over-18 Slayers to "show me what they got" when leading jumping-jack routines can be seen as contributing to a "hostile learning environment."
153a) Even though none of them mind.
153b) Or that the jumping-jack thing was Faith's idea.

154) Not allowed to ever tell the new Watchers that the scariest demon you ever saw was Buffy in her yummy sushi pajamas.
154a) Especially when Buffy is standing right behind you.

155) Also censored for Xander's protection.

156) I am not allowed to suggest a water balloon fight for a post-apocalypse party.
156a) If someone else suggests it, I am not allowed to tell the SIT's that they are required to wear white t-shirts.
156b) That they have nice cans is not an excuse.
156c) SIT's breasts are not to be referred to as 'cans.'
156d) Or 'jugs.'
156e) Or bazongas, jubblies, hooters, motorboat material, bodacious orbs, 'items that do not interest Andrew,' or any other nicknames I know of/think up.
156f) If Dawn wears a white t-shirt to one of these parties, I am to leave. Immediately.

157) I am not allowed to suggest that Faith buy headboards 'in bulk.'

158) There is not, nor will there ever be, any Mighty Sorceror Tim.
158a) He goes by Timothy.

159) House of the Dead is not 'simulated combat against relevant adversaries.'

160) Giles' new car is not a penis-mobile.

161) When asked what sort of weapons we'll need to take out a specific demon, "Guns, big f**king guns!" is not an appropriate answer.

162) My title is Watcher, not 'Stud-at-Large'.
162a) Nor any other combination any or either of the words 'stud' and 'large,' or synonyms of either.

163) I am not to compete with Willow on getting phone numbers.
163a) I am especially not allowed to do end-zone dances when I win.

164) Not allowed to use Willow's computer to surf porn sites.
164a) Unless I lend her my passwords.

165) We do not have the technology. We can not rebuild them better, faster, stronger.

166) May no longer keep score during Faith and Robin's arguments.

167) I have no boomstick.
167a) I am not allowed to pick up old books and say "Klaatu Barada Nikto."
167b) I am no longer allowed to play with chainsaws.
167c) I am no longer allowed to say "Gimme some sugar baby."
167d) I am no longer allowed to say "Honey, you got real ugly" when seeing anyone at the school without make-up.
167e) I am no longer allowed to tell the SIT's that S-Mart is running a great sale on shoes, stakes and other weapons when the store does not actually exist.
167f) I am no longer allowed to say "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow." around anyone.
167g) I am no longer allowed to say "Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!" when I am driving Buffy to yet another traffic court appearance.
167h) I am no longer allowed to call any "living impaired" creature, be it zombie, vampire or Buffy's boyfriend, a "Deadite."
167i) I am no longer allowed to quote, mimic or in any other way make reference to anything dealing with the Evil Dead series, unless it's Hallowe'en.
167j) I am not to call Bruce Campbell "The Man."
167k) I am not to debate with Andrew who is more "The Man" between Bruce Campbell and Stan Lee.

168) Not allowed to consider Dawn as girlfriend material.
168a) Until she convinces Buffy to not kill me.
168b) And Willow.
168c) And Giles.

169) I am not 'The Dread Pirate Roberts.'
169a) The slayers are not to be referred to as my 'brute squad.'
169b) Andrew is not a "Rodent of unusual size,' even if Faith agrees with me.
169c) I am not to go into battle with the cry 'My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to Die!'
169d) I cannot tell the new slayers that Buffy dressed as Buttercup that Hallowe'en.

170) I am no longer allowed to question Angel about how good Miss Piggy was in the sack.
170a) I am no longer allowed to question Angel about his relationship to Kermit.
170b) Especially around Willow.
170c) I am not allowed to threaten Angel with a video tape of him on Smile Time.

171) I will not audition for American Idol... again.
171a) I will not take any SIT's to audition for American Idol.
171b) I will not tell the SIT's that I will look the other way as they slay Simon.
171c) I will not try, again, to get an official sanction allowing the slaying of Simon.
171d) I am not allowed to bribe SIT's to use their private lines to vote for my choice on American Idol.

172) Robin has heard all the Sherwood Forest jokes by now.

173) I am not 'Charlie,' and I should stop trying to convince the Slayers-in-training to address me as such.

174) Loud references to the American War of Independence and 'we whipped you last time!' are not helpful when negotiations with the surviving members of the Old Watcher's Council are deadlocked.

175) My empty eyesocket is not a handy repository for 'emergency Slaying supplies.'
175a) Or snack food.

176) I am not to sneak into the Council's secure storage basement and try to pull any swords out of any stones I should 'happen to find just sitting there.'
176a) If I actually succeed in pulling a hypothetical sword out of a theoretical stone, just for the sake of argument, I am to quietly put it back, leave, lock the door behind me, and never mention it to anybody ever again.
176b) Especially Giles. It will just give him a headache.

177) The purpose of laundry duty is to provide clean clothes, not to give me the opportunity to rate everybody's choice of intimate apparel out of ten.

178) I will not Lambada.

179) After the Wooloomooloo Incident, it has been conclusively proven that Steve Irwin is neither a demon nor a Slayer in drag, and I will cease suggesting that he might be.
179a) I will never speak of the Wooloomooloo Incident again.

180) The only car I may exchange for a handful of magic beans is my own.

181) The Slayer's Scythe is not a '+5 weapon, at least!'
181a) It is not a 'Vorpal Weapon,' either.

182) I am not qualified for perform full-body hot-oil massages, and I should stop implying to weary Slayers-in-Training that I am.
182a) I'm just really good at them. Dawn, if this is your writing you're in big trouble.

183) Leave helicopter-piloting to the professionals.
183a) Of which I am not one.

184) Am not allowed to taunt SCA heavy fighters with my "l33t broadsword fighting skillz."
184a) See Rules 101 and 102.

185) The New Watcher's Council is not "Our last, best hope for peace."

186) Nuking the site from orbit is not the only way to be sure.

187) I am no longer allowed to blare “Ride of the Valkyries” when driving Slayers to a potential battle.
187a) Nor Bonny Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

188) There is no Naked Tuesday.

189) I am to stop bugging Riley about getting the government to sponser my “Project Lightsaber.”
189a) No matter how many people think it’s the coolest idea ever.

190) Nobody wants to sign my petitions.

191) I am not the Law.

192) I am to stop hassling Giles about his liking of the Bay City Rollers or Cream.

193) I will never have a bazooka that fires dinosaurs.

194) When we go to a foreign country and the Customs guys ask if I’m here for “Buisness or Pleasure” I am never again allowed to say “Pleasure is my Buisness.”

195) Silly putty doesn’t counter demonic powers.
195a) Even if it did work that one time.

196) Andrew and I are not to teach Slayers-In-Training Klingon and pass it off as the language of ancient demons.

197) I do not have “Phenomenal Cosmic Power” nor “Itty Bitty Living Space.”

198) There will be grave consequences the next time I stumble on Willow and Kennedy kissing and go “bow chicka wow wow.”

199) I am not allowed to start my own Sorority.
199a) Or Fraternity.

200) If I have a problem with Willow’s computer, I should ask her for help, not shout “PC Load Letter, what the fuck does that mean?” and hit it.

201) If a pillow fight happens to break out, it will never be naked.
201a) Especially if Dawn volunteers to disrobe.

202) I am to no longer lead groups of Slayers in the Green Lantern Oath before going into battle.

203) Refering to Buffy’s outfit as “Craptacular” is a singularly bad idea.
203a) Refering to anything anybody is wearing as “Craptacular” is a singularly bad idea.
203b) I cannot 'plead the 5th' to get out of answering a question for which "Craptacular" may be an answer.

204) I am not Maverik and cannot request flybys.

205) “Global Thermonuclear War” is not the answer.

206) There will never be an occasion to dance around fire naked with sticks.
206a) If there is, I’m not allowed to attend.

207) Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
207a) Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
207b) No matter how much I can do with it.

208) For future reference, “the Eye trick” is gross, not funny.

209) I am not straight out of Compton.
209a) Neither am I "Straight outta Lokash," nor a crazy mutha-fucka named Gusto.

210) I am not King of the Hobo Mafia.

211) A Slayer-In-Trainings' final test is not to fight Robotic Walt Disney in his Hellish Zombie Stronghold atop Space Mountain, and I need to stop telling them it is.

212) I am not to perform repeated showings of "Shaft" while Robin is visiting.
212a) Even if Faith bribes begs me.
212b) Or Giles.

213) Green glowing rocks are not automatically Kryptonite, and should be regarded as suspicous magical items instead.
213a) Nor placed in one's eye socket and used as a nightlight.

214) I am not, nor will ever be, Chandler Bing from "Friends".
214a) Willow is not Monica, Buffy is not Phoebe, Faith is not Rachel and Andrew is not Ross.
214b) Making "How you doin'?" jokes around Angel is out as well.

215) Do not ask Riley and Sam how the Stargate program is going.
215a) Not being able to say what they actually do is not proof that I am correct.
215b) Not even if Andrew agrees.
215c) Especially if Andrew agrees.
215d) Watcher Daniel Jackson does not know anything about those "damn snakeheads", nor should he be congratulated for figuring out how to open the gate.
215e) Don't call Giles to verify the existence of "Gold Daemons in Egypt".
215e.i) Even if there were "Gold Daemons in Egypt" they didn't incubate their young in "Jaffa-cake Half-Demons."
215e.ii) Even if the "Gold Daemons in Egypt" DID incubate their young in "Jaffa-cake Half-Demons", they didn't have a "Chappy-Aie Stable Portal."
215e.iii) Not allowed to be smug about that Apocalypse in Egypt.
215e.iv) Or enter the story in the competition to write a StarGate episode.
215e.v) No one cares that it was "spellchecked and everything." No.

216) Dance Dance Revolution is not an acceptable form of physical training.
216a) Even if the SITs are hell in little red sneakers at it.

217) Asking myself "Now, what would Batman do?" should be done internally, and not out loud.

218) I may not greet Robin with the phrase "Morning Wood?" any more.

219) Apocalypses must be deal with promptly, not put on hold while I attempt to program the Tivo.
219a) Even if it is Battlestar Galactica.

220) Illicit Slayer-In-Training copies of the Kama Sutra should be conficated, not critized and commented on.
220a) Unless shared with the senior staff.
220b) "Did that, did that, that tickled..." is a comment.

221) Pursuant to Rule 21, I am no longer allowed to withhold ANY items from anyone and joke about trading them for sexual favors.
221a) Dawn, being the exception. Especially Dawn.
221b) Faith says come on and bring it. WHOEVER WROTE THAT IS A DEAD MAN!

222) Pursuant to Rule 30, I am also not allowed to accept sexual favors for items.
222a) Even if it is to stop an apocalypse. Rule 31 would still apply.
222b) So-called "home movies", "surveillance video", "web cam files", "glamour shots" count as sexual favors since I'm such a big perv.
222c) It still counts even if it's not of the person doing the trading. See Rule 223.

223) I am no longer allowed to do trade in pictures, video, or other media formats that has people I live with in them. No buying. No selling. No giving away copies.
223a) Even if the people in it have all their clothes on.
223b) And especially baby pictures. On penalty of death.

224) "Watcher, Voyeur, what's the difference?" is not a valid excuse for anything to do with the Slayers-in-Training.

225) I am not allowed to repeat every interrogational question three times, "Just in case."

226) There are no toga parties allowed. Ever.
226a) Or house parties.
226b) No keggers, either.
226c) Any party I throw must be chaperoned in order to cut down on potential damage to the property by drunken Slayers/SITs.
226d) And by "chaperoned," it means by someone other than Spike, Faith, or me.

227) The Germans did not, in fact, bomb Pearl Harbor; nor should any pre-Apocolyptic motivational speech come from Animal House.
227a) Or Rudy.
227b) Or Lord of the Rings.
227c) Or Braveheart.
227d) Or any other cinematic feature ever produced, past, present, or future.
227e) More than once. Come on guys, give him something.

228) Research time is not to be used to create a spell capable of all-natural breast enhancement.
228a) No matter the potential profit margin.
228b) No matter what the Slayers and SITs say.
228c) Not allowed to rally support amongst the Slayers and SITs for a coup with the promise of the above spell.

229) Giles is not now nor has he ever been on stage, performing as Frank N. Furter in full drag and heels. And if I show those photos to anyone, he is allowed to demostrate just how comfortable a thong really is. On me.

230) I am to never make fun of Buffy's Cookie Dough Analogy ever again.
230a) Even if it does make Angel and Spike crack up.

231) Angel cracking up is not a sign that he lost his soul.
231a) It's just creepy.

232) They are not Slayer Senshi.
232a) I am not Tuxedo Mask.
232b) Or any other highly attractive male from an anime series.

233) I am to never put on leather pants and pretend I'm Xander's evil twin.
233a) I am to never put on leather pants period.
233b) Especially if Faith asks.
233c) Or Willow.
233d) Or Buffy.
233e) Except if Dawn asks. Watch it, Dawnie.

234) I will not be seduced by the Dark side of the Force.
234a) Or the chocolate side.

235) Not allowed to put Kermit dolls in Willow's bed.
235a) Especially demonic ones.

236) Not allowed to snack from the Box of Gavroc.

237) Not allowed to tell any Slayer to get the stick out of her ass.
237a) Unless that's where she's hiding her stake.
237b) Even then there are more tactful ways of phrasing it.

238) Not allowed to call cricket a boring game.
238a) Especially when Spike and Giles are watching the last ten minutes of a test match.
238b) On pain of Giles giving me the full 45-minute lecture on how the Watchers invented the game as an excuse to carry stakes (cricket stumps), clubs (cricket bats), and anti-demon armour (pads) without attracting attention...
238c) ...again.

239) Not allowed to mention the Lumberjack Song around Andrew ever again.
239a) My mastery of the Philosopher Song, while impressive, does not need to be demonstrated every time we hit the bars.

240) All weepy country music listening sessions must include an occasional energetic Hank Williams Jr. song, like "All My Rowdy Friends."
240a) "Family Tradition" may be skipped.
240b) No singing duets with Faith on "Whiskey Bent And Hell Bound."
240c) Willow will not sing a duet of "Women I've Never Had" with me.
240d) Except when Kennedy is gone.

241) Magic spell components are not snack food.

242) "Best before" dates are my friend.
242a) That is not an exemption from Rule 31.

243) No, I may not keep it as a pet.
243a) Nor may Dawn.
243b) Or Willow.
243c) Or any Slayer-In-Training.
243d) No pets. Period.

244) Next time I want to know if the refridgerator light stays on inside, I will ask first.
244a) Andrew is not a "human dorksicle."

245) "But she followed me home!" is no excuse. Please refer to rule 31.

246) I am not allowed to perform magic.
246a) Not even under Willow's supervision.
246b) Especially not under Dawn's supervision.

247) When grocery shopping, I will buy sufficient supplies for the SITs, and only after ensuring this may I add Twinkies.

248) I will at least try to pronounce the demon's name before inflicting my "mangled mispronunciations" on Giles.
248a) "Buffy does it," is not an excuse.

249) I will no longer get in the middle of arguments between any fighting couples just because I want some peace and quiet.
249a) Especially Faith and Robin's.
249b) And Willow and Kennedy's when one of them is PMSing.

250) Referring to Angel as the former head of The Evil Law Firm Of Doom is only acceptable when Buffy isn't around.

251) Do not tell Lorne not to lose his head. It doesn't bother him much anyway.

252) Not allowed to challenge Connor to any type of physical activity contest.
252a) Because I will get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. Every. Single. Time.
252b) Even if he is shorter than me.
252c) If I need that kind of masculine posturing, I can challenge Wood. Step up, Harris.

253) In no way is it a good idea to challenge Faith to a drinking contest.
253a) Spike either.

254) Wanting to meet various cast members of various TV shows is not a good reason to take SIT's to Los Angeles.
254a) Even if they're the ones who want to meet the celebrities.
254b) Even if they volunteer to stalk tail the celebrities.
254c) Dawn & I are no longer allowed within 100 yards of Carmine Giovinazzo.
254d) Or Eric Szmanda.
254e) Or any other cast member on any of the CSI shows.
254f) And it's 200 yards from Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson, not 100.
254g) Same goes for Johnny Depp.
254h) Andrew and I aren't allowed to be within 500 yards of Leonard Nimoy.
254i) And that one's all Andrew's fault. It was not!

255) I will accept the fact that Willow can't hack the X Files.
255a) They really aren't on line.
255b) And Willow has sworn off magical hacking.

256) Not allowed to fill the fire sprinklers of any Wolfram & Hart office with Holy Water and set them off.
256a) Without taping it.

257) I will not give Mr. Gordo to Willow's kittens as a chew toy.
257a) Or anyone else's pet.

258) It is understood that I am an attractive man. Standing outside on a hot summer's day with no shirt and doing the 'drinking from a gallon jug' thing while the SITs are training is cruel and is strictly prohibited.
258a) Except as revenge.
258b) Except against Dawn, because then I'm just asking for trouble.

259) Should I suspect that anyone has posted a picture on Ratemyrack.com, I am not allowed to perform any hair-brained schemes to verify it.
259a) Nor am I allowed to just ask right out.
259b) Even if I've been right more than 90% of the time.

260) Not allowed to score PDAs.

261) When Slayer Movie Night is on, I am not allowed to look at male leads, snort, and say "I can take him."

262) The next time the SITs have a pool on the size of my manhood, I am not allowed to enlighten them.
262a) Nor am I allowed to send them to anyone who might know.
262b) It is understood that if Dawn finds out without an engagement ring on her finger, I am a dead man.
262c) Said ring must be mine.

263) "Have Faith" is not a romantic proposition. See Rule 39.

264) Am no longer allowed to write poetry without express permission.
264a) Particularly limericks.
264b) Or anything involving the word "effulgent."
264c) Even if Especially if doing so makes Angel happy.

265) Never again am I allowed to program the stations on the school's SUV to all hard rock.
265a) Or all classical.
265b) Or all pop.
265c) Or all Spanish.
265d) Or all AM talk stations.
265e) Or at all.

266) I cannot submit a SIT as a subject for the show "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!"

267) After clearing a vampire nest it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."

268) I am not allowed to wear a monocle and an eye patch to a Watcher's meeting without an optometrist note.

269) I am not allowed to wear a googly eye over my eye patch.

270) My future's brightness does not require me to wear shades.

271) It is not okay to make foreign Slayers fight for Truth, Justice, and the American way.

272) It is not okay to post video of Andrew acting out "Return of the Jedi" with sock puppets on the internet.

273) I am not allowed to ask to repaint the Council vans in black with a red stripe.
273a) Buffy is not Mr. T.
273b) Buffy does not pity tha' foo's...she kills them.

274) I'm not allowed to tell Slayers that I gave up my eye in order to see the future.
274a) That future is not the moment of my own death.

275) When going to the Winter Capades on Ice, am not allowed to insult skating or the male skaters.
275a) Nor am I allowed to dress like the male skaters, even if I do look smokin'.
275b) Nor am I allowed to ask Buffy if she can do that.
275c) Nor am I allowed to ask anyone to wear any female skater's outfit.
275d) Skates will not make an excellent covert weapon.

276) I will cease all attempts to recruit Patrick Stewart was a Watcher.
276a) I will abide by the restraining order Patrick Stewart has taken out against me.

277) I will stop trying to pass a resolution requiring all Watchers to get the Watcher tattoos from the Highlander TV series.
277a) I will no longer shout "There can be only one!" during sword training/fights.

278) Not allowed to Angel about why he didn't move to Toronto and become a detective.
278a) Not allowed to join Spike in calling Angel "Nicholas."
278b) Not allowed to keep the motor running as Spike shoves Angel into a trunk "just to test the roominess value."
278c) Not allowed to go off-roading with Angel in the trunk again.
278d) Not allowed to take over the Council PA systems at night and host a show as The Nightcrawler.

279) Vengeance Justice demons are not to be used to get cancelled TV shows back on the air.
279a) Or on DVD.
279b) Or movies made from them.
279c) Ever again.

280) Not allowed to threaten people by saying "I wish..."
280a) Not allowed to reminding Giles of the time I said to him "I wish you had a better sense of humor."
280b) Not allowed to tell Dawn how to summon Justice demons.
280c) Unless I'm sure no one can pin it on me. AT ALL.
280d) Admit no knowledge of Dawn contacting a Justice demon or how I came to be in Dawn's bed.

281) I will not call Connor "one of the girls" when he works out with the Slayers.
281a) I will not point out that he's pretty like a girl.

282) I will not set up a white picket fence around Angel's room.
282a) Or Spike's.
282b) Or the Immortal's. It might work. What is he anyway?

283) I am not the Gangster of Love.
283a) Nor am I the Space Cowboy.

284) I will not tell Andrew that Greedo shot first.

285) I will not tell Angel that Connor was looking at Buffy funny.
285a) Even if his expression is priceless.

286) Andrew and I cannot force the new Slayers to watch Episode I as punishment.

287) I will not superglue a beard onto Spike and tell everyone he is from the Mirror Universe.

288) I will stop referring to myself as the Slayer Body President despite winning said election in a landslide.
288a) Even if I didn't mean it in a sexual way.
288b) Especially if my voting constituency did.

289) When entering the Watcher Vaults, I am not allowed to ask whether this is where they keep the Lost Ark.
289a) ...or any other "artifact" I've seen in the movies.

290) Not allowed to taunt the Happy Fun Ball.
290a) ...again.

291) Not allowed to quote Ezekiel 25:17.

292) Not allowed to forget that "the road to hell is paved with pretty women." See also Rule 31.

293) Not allowed to tell the Slayers-in-Training to "Respect my authoritah!"
308a) ...even though they should.

294) Not allowed to call a Slayer-in-Training "Padawan."
309a) Especially around Andrew.

295) Not allowed to "motivate" the Slayers-in-Training by saying that Kim Possible could kick their asses.
295a) ...or Juniper Lee could.
295b) ...or - well, you get the idea.

296) Not allowed to complain when the villains quote Shakespeare.

297) Not allowed to refer to Buffy as "Daphne."
297a) Or "Scooby."
297b) Willow is not "Velma."
297c) I am not "Fred."

298) I will not get drunk commiserating with Buffy about the lousy state of our respective love lives on Valentine's Day.
298a) Again.
298b) Nor will I mention to anybody what happened after we ran out of liquor.
298c) Ever.
298d) Especially not Angel or Spike.
298e) No matter how long afterwards Buffy had that silly smile on her face.
298f) On pain of Dawn killing me.

299) I will not get into long protracted arguments with Andrew about who was and wasn't included in the newest issue of the All-New Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe A-Z.

300) I will not refer to Spike as the "Phantom Menace" to Billy Idol's "A New Hope."
300a) Even if Angel agrees with me.
300b) And Giles.
300c) And Robin.
300d) And everybody else except Buffy.

301) I am not the King of No Pants.

302) Underpants gnomes do not exist, and even if they did, I am not allowed to search through Dawn's dresser for them.
302a) Or Willow's.
302b) Or Buffy's.
302c) Or anyone else's.
302d) Well, Faith's is okay. Damnit, cut that out!

303) While my alternate explanation for the nickname 'Droopy' was entertaining the first time, it does not need to be demonstrated on a regular basis.
303a) In public, anyway.
303b) Especially not to Dawn. Oh please, I've been dating him for 6 months now. Dawn, you're not helping.


Note: Some sumbissions were cut due to the fact they were crossover-reliant or I felt they were just inappropriate. My list, my rules.



No more additions.

ETA: Fixed some minor things.

ETA2: Ugh. I hope the numbering is okay now.